"Do Justice. Love Kindness. Walk Humbly with God."

My Faith History: A Circuitous Journey

My faith journey is like a big, wobbly circle that started with the good news of Jesus and-after a long and circuitous route-came back to a broadened understanding of that good news that impelled me to share it. I grew up in what I call the “Bapti-costal” tradition, in a small coal mining town where I learned to fear God and to love Jesus. I was never very sure about the God of judgment and hell, but I knew Jesus loved me, loved all of us; I wanted to share the news of that love. Because of the beliefs of my church, I could never become a preacher; I do not think I even realized that I could want that. Instead, I wanted to be a missionary or marry a preacher - until I was about 14 or 15. All along, my problem with God was in the back of my mind; as I learned to think more for myself, the literal reading of the Bible became a problem for me too. I lived with that split, doubts hidden inside and uber-Christian teen outside, until I couldn’t anymore. I began to realize that the feelings I had for my (girl) friend were actually sexual attraction and I knew this was a BIG sin and a big problem. I am still not sure why I thought it was a good idea, but I talked to my friend who happened to be the preacher’s son about my budding sexuality. Long story short-I was asked to leave the church and told that my sick and sinful choice would give me a miserable existence that would lead me to hell.

I cannot describe the pain that I felt; the injury was deep and left a terrible scar. I turned my back on the church and the God who hated me. My heart became so hard. Throughout most of my adulthood, I refused to take any solace in prayer and avoided any talk of God, Christianity, or the church. My disdain was only increased by the pain I saw my fellow LGBTQ folks endure at the hands of religion. However, after many years of treatment for depression, during my early 40s, I began to seek a spiritual connection with the “universe.” I knew something was missing from my life but still could not even call the name of God until one day when I was lost in the darkness of depression. I decided to try to pray and dragged myself off my bed, onto my knees. I could not begin; no words formed. I put on clothes and a coat and stumbled outside into an overcast winter afternoon. My thought was to walk to the lake and try to pray there. As I got close to “my” sitting log, I started crying, begging God without words- to save me, heal me. I stumbled the last few steps, sobbing and crying out “please!” It was the only word I could form. I sat down on my log and turned my face upward. Almost immediately, there was a break in the clouds; I felt warmth on my face. The only way I can describe what happened next is that I felt a thought in my head saying “you are loved. I love you.” I knew it was God.

I was able to get up, walk back home, and start trying, again, to live and to seek connection with God. I found my church home at Church of the Savior UCC, feeling welcomed and accepted from my very first visit. I had never heard of the UCC, didn’t know such a church existed where I could be openly gay and Christian, where Jesus welcomed me back to the table with open arms. It wasn’t long before my old calling to share the good news was brought back to life and nurtured. I learned that the scriptures made sense when I didn’t try to read them as factual history, that the gospel was incredibly more expansive than that church of my childhood had tried to make it. I began seminary and the MID process with no firm idea about where I was going; I just knew I had to start. I have been open to God’s voice and the voices of those around me who have affirmed my call. I am now serving as Minister for Youth and Children with a strong pull toward social justice education and opportunities for our young people. I also help lead worship often and preach several times a year. Having experienced the healing of having my wedding in our church, blessed by God, I also feel called to share that healing experience with other same gender couples.

https://www.facebook.com/168440916522886/videos/978345752625383

Go to the 59:39 mark in the video to hear a brief testimony from me.